I have been annoyed lately. But, not by what you might expect. Sure, I didn’t like it when the woman who should have known better came and stood right next to me as I watched a muskrat at Lake of the Isles. And I miss friends and connecting with colleagues. And I miss Sunday worship. And I wish my two sons were closer. And everything is harder now. And , its exhausting. And, and, and…..
I have been annoyed by something else and I have hesitated to say it. It won’t sound very nice, certainly not Minnesota Nice. Please don’t think I am judging or not appreciative. But this is what has been annoying me.
I have been annoyed by all of the well-wishes. All of the sharing of thoughts and prayers. All of the Bible quotes whether they are meant to be condemning or comforting. All of the scurrying about to get everything done right. I have been annoyed by the wondering about what we will all learn from this. And by the comment that everything will be different when this of over. And I’m annoyed by hearing and saying we’re managing, so far, and adjusting. And I have done them all (except the Bible verses).
Like I said, I hesitate to bring this up. I have, in fact, been comforted, inspired, and educated by some of these things. But it is still not a nice kind of thing to admit.
I couldn’t get past feeling bad about being annoyed until I read the Gospel reading for this past Sunday, March 29, the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11:1-45). What struck me in that story was that Jesus, after hearing that Lazarus was sick, waited two whole days before leaving for Bethany. He got there four days after Lazarus had died, long enough for Lazarus to stink. What was that about?
I don’t know. But apparently it was OK with Jesus for all those he knew, all of those he loved, to have to wait. It was OK with Jesus for everyone to have to sit with, to be in the discomfort, the fear, the grief, the worry. Jesus felt no urgency to do something. To fix everything. To make people less uncomfortable.
Maybe it’s OK for us to sit with, to be in the discomfort, the fear, the grief, the worry. Not forever. Not ignoring immediate crises. But, maybe it’s OK to be uncomfortable with everything for a while. Maybe it has to be.
We’re at the very beginning of this. I know I can’t wonder what we’ll all learn from this when I’m not even sure what this is yet.
One thing I can do is to try to sit with and be in and acknowledge the discomfort, the fear, the grief, the worry. If Jesus thought that was OK for everyone then, maybe it is OK for me, too. Maybe it’s OK for all of us. It’s even OK to be annoyed.
Original Journal Entry date: 4.1.20
© 2020 Jane Buckley-Farlee. All rights reserved.