All along Trinity’s and my journey has been that of a sailboat. The Ruah, the Wind, the Spirit blows as She will. Sometimes the wind is calm, sometimes it is a gale, most of the time it is somewhere in between. We, Trinity, go where the Spirit leads or blows the best we can. When it is a gale we hang on for dear life. When it is calm we either enjoy the break or wonder what’s wrong and worry that we’re not DOING enough. My task, my role was/is to be at the tiller and offer what direction I can, knowing that the whole journey really depends completely on the Spirit, over which I really have little or no control.
What had happened over time was that not only was I still at the tiller, I had flung myself into the water, behind the boat and was kicking my heart out against a raging storm. I had decided exactly where we were going and how we would get there and what it would all look like at the end of the journey, in my mind. And it was MY JOB TO MAKE IT ALL HAPPEN PERFECTLY.
And I wasn’t paying any attention to the wind.
I had decided that Trinity (African and American, gay and straight, liberal and conservative) would sit down and discuss theology, sexuality, and homosexuality, and at the very least agree to disagree. Or, if it all went my way, we would all agree with my position, (which is, after all, the right one!). And, to top it off, we would do all of this in time for the Synod’s open hearings in October. And I had decided that this was all GOD’S WILL.
Well, that’s not true. What I see now is that I just need to be back at the tiller.
So, this piece of our journey is looking a little different at the moment. I am slowly getting out of the water and back into the tiller’s seat. However, this is not as easy as I thought it could/would/should be. I can feel myself slowly letting go of everything I had taken such a strong hold on. But not as quickly as I’d like. (Once again it seems I have it all figured out how even this part of the journey should go!) But I can feel the letting go beginning.
Part of the letting go is redefining for myself the conversation I had envisioned.
Part of the letting go has to do with my timeline.
Part of the letting go is…is letting go of my…sin (dare I use the word?). This journey had become about me (in my head, at least). And it’s not. In my mind I rant and rave sometimes about the definitions of sin others have presented to me. They are often quite different from mine. To me they seem narrow and judgmental and so 50’s-ish. And that can afford me the opportunity to decide I just might be above all of that.
My current working definition of sin is mainly anything that gets in the way of God in my life and the way I live with others. Well, my recent jump into the water kicking my heart out seems to fulfill that definition quite well. And that screams for letting go of.
So, I’m working on it. I suppose I shouldn’t be impatient with myself or with the Spirit’s working in me. But, I am not only impatient, I am also amused by my humanness in all of this. That in itself is a letting go.
And I can’t help but notice that it is water that I had jumped into in this whole thing - there are just too many baptism connections to comprehend at the moment.
More reflections to come, I’m sure.
Original journey entry date: 6/5/08
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